


Coffee, Juice, and Active Volcanoes

by Elpie (Horribibble)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Meet-Cute, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 07:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6275317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Horribibble/pseuds/Elpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>- for the prompt: our children are in the same class and we both hate their teacher, eventually the parents’ evenings are just us competing who can call out snarkier comments -</p>
<p>Ms. Stannard’s first mistake was seating Carver next to Mr. Alexius, hoping that the mild-mannered scholar would have a ‘positive disciplinary effect’ on the grumpy Fereldan. </p>
<p>Spoiler: He doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee, Juice, and Active Volcanoes

**Author's Note:**

> The FeVer chat dragged me in.  
> H e l p.

Ms. Stannard’s first mistake was seating Carver next to Mr. Alexius, hoping that the mild-mannered scholar would have a ‘positive disciplinary effect’ on the grumpy Fereldan. This was exactly the militant thought police-y bullshit that made it so easy to hate the woman.

That, and the fact that she had them wedged into the students’ desks, which would have been fine, if she weren’t the world’s most belligerent second-grade teacher. Carver’s knees are about pinched up to his ears trying to fit into the uncomfortable plastic seat.

By the time she gets to the meat of their group discussion, Carver is growling under his breath.

“Which brings us to the topic of _discipline_ , ladies and gentlemen.”

“Oooh,” Carver mutters. “Talk dirty to me.”

Mr. Alexius chokes on air, and Meredith narrows her eyes at them, like she’s trying to decide which of them to eat first.

“ _Discipline_ begins at home.”

“In the bedroom, specifically.” Mr. Alexius chuckles, and Carver perks up in his chair a bit more. Stannard didn’t hear that bit, but _he_ certainly did, and this wretched night is beginning to look up.

“We’ve had certain upstart cases, thus far, and we hope to cut off these young malcontents with your cooperation.”

“‘Malcontents?’ Ma’am, is this a school or a juvenile detention facility?” Mr. Alexius frowns, and Carver can certainly see why. He’s sort of proud that his nephew has so quickly earned the title of ‘malcontent’ in old Ms. Stannard’s black book, but for someone who’s not well-acquainted with her special brand of anal retention…

“It is a place of higher learning, with elevated standards. The nail that sticks up _must_ be pounded down, Mr. Alexius. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying.”

“No, actually. That sounds horrific.”

There’s a soft smattering of laughter from the other parents, but Stannard silences them with a cross look.

“While I am sure practices... _differ_ where you are from, here we believe in a solid curriculum and behavioral reinforcement.”

“By ‘pounding down’ 7-year-olds?” Carver snorts.

“You can say Tevinter, ma’am. You won’t catch fire.” The other man adds.

“ _As I was saying_ ,” Stannard grits out. “We seek your assistance, as our partners in the upbringing of your children, to put an end to erratic behaviors.”

“Like free thought and imagination.” Carver mutters.

“Maker,” Mr. Alexius whispers, “Is she really serious?”

“She was Knight Commander of the Templars for a while. Can you tell?”

“They let her teach _children_?”

“You try telling that woman ‘no’ in a job interview.” He frowns at the sudden pale cast of the other man’s face. “Look, she’s been like this for ages. She makes it sound like the kids have all been running wild and stabbing each other with crayons. No one _really_ takes her seriously. It’s just the mage kids that need looking out for, with the new integration track and all.”

“Mr. Hawke, Beni is a ‘mage kid.’”

“Ah. Well…” Carver squirms in the tiny, uncomfortable seat. Suddenly, Stannard’s droning seems even more sharp and intolerable. “There I go, putting my foot in my mouth.”

Mr. Alexius laughs a little. It’s a nice sound. “It’s all right.”

“Carver. I’m not technically a parent, but…”

“Felix. Technically a parent.”

They reach across the tiny aisle between the desks to shake hands, and the sound of Stannard clearing her throat rings like a thunderclap. She taps her foot impatiently, pointing at the Rule Board decorated in block letter construction paper against the far wall.

Rule Number 3: Keep Your Hands to Yourself.

_...Seriously?_

“Furthermore, and especially when around hazardous chemicals, we _**expect**_ proper, non-destructive behavior from our students. So if you would _teach your children_ to behave correctly in the kitchen, for example…”

Carver’s done. He’s just done. He’s watched his nephew mix up enough ‘mad science’ concoctions in the kitchen sink to know exactly who she’s talking about.

This is too aggressively stupid for him to process.

“We all know you mean Theo, lady. Why don’t you just say it?”

“No, that one was Beni. I had a letter home. Baking soda volcanoes. I’m still not sure exactly what she did to deserve four exclamation marks and a detention.”

“You can give second-graders _detention_?”

“She cried for an hour.”

“ _Mr. Alexius_ , _Mr. Hawke_ , if you would control yourselves.” Stannard snaps. “And as far as Benedicta’s punishment is concerned, it is unacceptable to use her... _talents_...in such proximity with other students. Especially to cause _explosions_ in the lab.”

“All right, no. First off, Beni’s bent is towards healing. That’s it. Not pyromancy, not entropy, and certainly not _explosions._ She’s a curious little girl and she added too much baking soda. Terribly sorry. She served the detention, now _back off._ ”

Carver might actually be in love.

-

The rest of the meeting had been a thing of beauty. Between the two of them, it was honestly surprising Meredith Stannard hadn’t had an apoplectic fit and passed out in the middle of Parent Night.

As they walk together towards the pick-up room to gather their respective hellions, Carver nudges Mr. Alexius’ shoulder with his own. “Made a pretty good team in there. Parent Night’s never been so interesting.

Felix smiles. “I appreciate the...er...backup.”

“It wasn’t a problem. She’s a heinous witch, and you’re...er…not...horrible? You’re funny, I mean. And...”

Felix pauses in his footsteps, turning to stare at Carver in shocked delight. “You’re trying to hit on me!”

“What? No!”

“You _are_! It’s been forever since someone hit on me.”

“ _Why_?”

Felix ducks his head and laughs, shoulders rolling forward with it. “It could be the having a child thing.”

“Oh...er. Well, I’m sort of immune to children. Wait, no. That sounds awful.”

“Please stop before you hurt yourself.”

“Maker, I’m fucking this up.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Would you like coffee? With me? Would you like to go to a coffee shop and drink coffee with me?”

“We have to pick up the kids.”

“We can take them for coffee?”

“You want to give the seven-year-olds at the top of Meredith Stannard’s Most Wanted list _coffee_?”

“They sell juice?”

Carver wants to _die._

But Felix reaches out, briefly, and links their fingers together. “Coffee and juice, then. Yeah.”

-

Later in the evening, long after Benedicta Alexius has been thoroughly tucked into bed, Felix curls up in the couch, phone tucked under his ear, and listens to Dorian _howl_ with laughter.

“You picked up a man at _Parents Night_.”

Felix can’t help but smile.

  
  
  



End file.
